Unanswered questions on a scorching hot day.

This happened say some 3-4 years back and I am still grappling for answers to the questions this small incident made me ask myself. The incident, a very trivial in a sense, gave me a plethora of questions, answers to which seem farther... 

It happened so...

While driving through the traffic on Delhi roads, on this really warm day, I was fretting about the A/C not working fine. May be the German car air-conditioner cannot cater to the above 40 degree Celsius temperature of Delhi, to cool the interiors. On the roads, as Delhi is always, full of people, sweltering in the heat and still going about with their regular chores. Selling, bargaining, buying and begging.

There are many water sellers and ice lolly sellers on the roads doing brisk business in this heat. The car stopped at one of the signals. "too long of a signal", complained my driver, glancing at the seconds quickly counting down. Suddenly saw a lady... may be a girl, wearing a saree, her head covered with the "pallu" at the red light, tagging her child by hand and another one in her arms. Must be a young mother of about 22 years with 2 kids already in tow, and don't know how many more in the house. 

Watching the ice lollies, the elder one's eyes glowed! What better can anything be other than these lollies in this scorching heat... his eyes said. He tugged at his mother's saree and pointed towards the seller. For a moment... just for a second may be, the child in the mother also came up... Her eyes too gave away the same thoughts as of her son. But it was just a flicker of a second, and then she just dragged her son past the lolly seller.

That moment, I wanted to get down from the car and buy the ice lollies for those three kids, yes three of them and give them a moment of happiness. But I could not. Many thoughts came running, "will she take it from me", "would she approve of this gesture," "what if she refuses"... and with a sudden honk from the car behind, I was brought back from my thoughts. The driver had already started the engine and had driven past the mother and her children. 

I kept on thinking, what held me back from getting off the car and giving them a surprise? Definitely not finances. Was it the young mother's pride or her determination or understanding of her finances? Or was it was my ego; what if she refused? Though I wanted to do it, I had already termed myself "generous" and a refusal would have busted that false balloon. I was afraid, about my reaction and dejection, if at all a refusal had come.  And what if she had accepted it? The joy on their faces, would have given me Joy? Or a story for me to tell all, about how I just did some good gesture? 

I was confused and still am.

It is difficult! Difficult to do something selflessly, to not to think about it or boast about it, but just to feel good about it. I did not have the courage, nor did I have the belief in my own self. If only I had, the story would be different for sure. This would have been a really small gesture... nothing big.

It is only one in thousands and crores, who can become a Baba or Prakash Amte or Mother Teresa... no wonder!